What do you want to be when you grow up
I don’t know if many of you know this about me, but I’m confused. I’m happy, I’m energetic, I’m a dreamer, I’m usually a positive person, I like to think, but most of all I’m confused. Confused as to what I need and what I want. Confused as to how I can be happy when I’m so confused; and confused as to why I’m confused.
The reason I brought this up and probably confused you in explaining my confusion is because it is a big reason I am in India. Now, I’ve never been the best at anything, but I will admit I get by when I attempt most things. I also usually enjoy them. Believe it or not this is a problem. In the classroom of life I seem to be the last to raise my hand with an answer to the question that everyone else has at least a decent guess about. Every one of you has either answered this question, is answering, or is going to have to one day. What I’m talking about is the question of life duty. It has crossed my mind that maybe my way of saying it is a little more extreme then most people and therefore this could be part of the problem. But this really is how I look at this question, so I know it as such. For some of you though what I’m talking about could be as simple as an occupation.
The reason I don’t take up the term occupation is because I feel like it is a bigger part of me. Life duty entails goals, responsibility, objectives, whereas occupation means a job. I truly believe that people need to choose something that they are good at, enjoy doing, and something that can help others out. With my second year of college coming to a close, I feel a billowing pressure to say what I want to do for the next fifty years of my life. Though the possibilities are endless I have narrowed it down to a few and today I was reminded of the ticking clock that sits next to the little progress I have made.
India was something I needed to do to learn more about myself and I thought it would help me narrow down the few choices I have left. Here in India I am constantly doing my three main choices, and I must say I have been pretty happy doing all three. I constantly joke with myself about being a church service. I can see it now …
“Welcome, welcome, come in and have a seat.” They will say, “Exciting sermon today, we will be learning about the trinity, the trinity of Jake!” the preacher continue through the sighs of the crowd. People are wishing they would have stayed home because they know it’s about to get pretty confusing. “Of course you all know the trinity is comprised of the three things that makes Jake who he is; writing, international studies, and social work. Jake left his home in 2010 A.D. in order to gain a better understand about his life and what he needs to do.”
Fortunately for the congregation, but unfortunately for me the sermon stops here. I know I have learned more about myself already and I also know I have a long journey still ahead of me here, but I was reminded today of how easily my mind changes daily.
I have been helping these children here and I have fallen in love with education and the goal of building a life for these often forgotten children. I can see myself being a teacher in these areas forever, no problem. That gets me thinking though, “maybe I just want to be a teacher?” As my excitement collects and my confidence rises it gets reformed and restarted at stage one. This has happened a countless amount of times, but I am getting stronger. Again, I do care about these kids and I do want to make a difference, but there is more on my plate.
As much as I love going to work and tackling the problems of these communities day by day, I get equally as excited to get home every night and just write. I love writing my blog and I am constantly shocked by the responses I get. It makes me really start to think about some of the writing I hold close and what you all would think of it. I have always loved writing. I just love the idea of creating. You can paint a scene with language, you can capture a person with words, you can make people cry, laugh, or even flip a piece of paper with a smile. The majesty of it all is just so perfect.
I came to India to serve as well as to write. The reason I traveled to India rather then doing community service in the States is because of my interest with this country. I love international studies and I love studying anywhere that has a different culture or history then my own. As India celebrates it’s 61st Independence Day I am reminded as to how new this place is as a global economy. At the same time though this country is really one of the oldest places in the world. It has had tribes and religion before time can even tell. The diversity of this country as well as others just draws me and forces me to want to learn more. I could travel and learn like this for a long time.
People often offer their solution with a simple combination of these, but I have thought it all out. “Why not travel and write about your travels?” they will say. “ Because that isn’t the type of writing I want to do, I want to write my own story, not recreate or barrow from a foreign place.” I will have to reply. It goes on. Though my mind switches and my dreams fad, making way for new ones, I feel I will always keep these. So I thought I had to pick which is my favorite and that has called for some drastic measures. But today I realized that I need not worry. I should focus on loving what I am doing now rather then what I need to do in the years to come. Maybe I’ll be a writer, a teacher, and musician, and social worker, a traveler, or maybe a janitor. I see that is doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, nothing but now. I am here to help and help I will do. I am here to write and write I will do. I am living in India and this is where I will live for the next two months, smiling, helping, fighting, and just being.
My troubles have helped me though. Earlier today, as I racked my brain for the answer of my life, my lesson plan for my Friday class came without me even realizing it. I will still be the last with an answer, but I am excited. Now I just have to learn how to say, “what do you want to be when you grow up” in Hindi.
